


Appa

by ImDyingLeaveMeAlone



Category: JJCC (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, pure sadness enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-01 23:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6541978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImDyingLeaveMeAlone/pseuds/ImDyingLeaveMeAlone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He always wanted a child.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Appa

**Author's Note:**

> This was written originally at 6 am on my phone, because thezdawg wanted sad headcanons before bed. It was so sad and beautiful I had to actually write it. As always, cross posted from aff.

Appa, I remember when I first became a possibility to you. You were so young. I was a blurry faced dream, just waiting for you to make me a reality.

When you met Abeoji is when I got my face, did you know that Appa? In those moments you were falling for him, singing for him, you’d see me clearly, a happy child with his almond eyes in your round face. I saw you too Appa. I couldn’t wait to meet you.

Appa, you were with Abeoji, Yoonchan and Uncle Youngjin, and you were smiling the widest smile ever at baby Yoonchan. In his eyes you saw me, but then you looked at Abeoji and you buried me away. Why did you do that Appa? I stayed and watched you, even as you tried to forget about me. I know you never did though.

I saw you thinking of me when young mothers passed, pushing babies in their strollers. I saw you thinking of me when kids would push past you in the park, joyful laughter in the air as they played. I saw you dream of me and wake, prepared to ask Abeoji to check on me, before remembering I didn’t exist. I saw you cry yourself back to sleep when you realized I only existed in your most cherished, secret thoughts. I saw you lie to Abeoji about why you looked so despairing in the morning, keeping your heavy sadness about me to yourself.

Appa, you never knew, did you, that you weren’t the only one who wanted me? Abeoji figured out the reason for your tears, Appa, and for your sake he wished for me too. He knew when you held Uncle Youngjin’s first child in your arms. You were so sweet and careful, and you didn’t realize it but your whole face lit up. You were glorious. I could feel your love for me, Appa. Abeoji hadn’t seen you look so beautiful in a long time. And he realized. He realized how badly you wanted me. He realized how much he hurt you.

Uncles Eddy and Joonyoung, they noticed all of it, did you know that? They said to Abeoji, "Chanyul, look how good Daehwan is with these babies!" and Abeoji was scared, Appa. They saw him panic and tried to help, tried to stop him, but he ran, Appa. He ran from them, and from you. He ran because he saw me too, Appa. He saw me and he knew you needed me, but he didn't think he could do it. He was frightened, frightened of what I meant, full of the belief that if I were real he’d end up hurting us both. His heart broke thinking of me, Appa.

When he went back to you and confronted you about me, did you know that he had seen me, Appa? Did you know Abeoji, for that moment, had imagined me, allowed himself to know me? I don't know if you did, Appa. You were looking at Abeoji, he was scared and confused and just wanted you to hold him, and without asking you pushed me even further away, even though it hurt us all. Even though we all cried, I know why you did it.

I wasn’t gone from either of you though, Appa. You always saw me in each child born to friends and family. I was there. Abeoji saw me too, in your eyes, and he felt shame just as you felt sadness. But neither of you were worthy of a family, were you? I know that’s how you both felt, Appa, I know. Neither of you saw that you were more than worthy, that you deserved it. I would have loved you so much.

Did you know Abeoji loves me too? As you get sadder and sadder without me he thinks of me more and more. I wish you wouldn't be sad Appa. When you are sad you get farther from me, and from Abeoji. He misses you, you know. 

If you asked he'd give me to you. He is scared for you Appa, and I am too. We see how the thought of me hurts you, makes you need to be hurt further. It grows in you and Abeoji can't take it all out, he sees it and I see it. But do you see it Appa? Appa, do you see me, how close I am?

I am there Appa, when you drag the blade over your body. I am so sad Appa, and so scared. Weren't you supposed to live for me? Weren't you supposed to protect me? I know the moment you go one cut too far, I feel it just as you feel it, just as Abeoji feels it. He rushes to you, as if he sensed it, he’s screaming and slamming his body against the door again, again, and again until it splinters. And he is through to you and he holds you. He isn't mad anymore Appa, he loves you too much to be mad right now.

For this one moment we are a family. For this one moment you both are thinking of me at the same time. For this one moment I am as real as I have ever been, and we hold each other, and it's our family as it should have been. But then you get cold, Appa. You get cold and distant, and you slip away from us. Gone.

Did you know, Appa? Did you know I would not go with you? I slipped away for a while and it was dark and lonely and painful, but Abeoji held onto me. Appa, his heart hurts so much without you, did you know that? It hurts, and he is angry at both of us. Angry at you for leaving, angry at me for never becoming and for always being a possibility.

We miss you Appa. Every day Abeoji drifts farther away; not even Uncle Joonyoung can reach him anymore. Soon he'll leave everyone, just like you did, Appa. Abeoji will leave too. When he’s gone, will we finally be together, Appa? Or will I just be gone, too?


End file.
